Changing life

“I have to put in the names this afternoon by 2pm (it’s 1:45pm), and I’ve decided to offer you the position. I’ll let Human Resources know right away and they’ll be contacting you,” she said in a rather matter-of-fact way.

            I wasn’t sure what to say, “th-thank you,” stammered even while dozens of other thoughts streamed through my head. But I still have another job. This sounds intimidating. This is what I wanted to do for a long time. But is it? Will it work okay for Derek and I? How did this even happen? God, please help me think!

            Jumping back in my hot car (it was the middle of Phoenix desert summer), I pulled away, marveling at the possibility of change which I had all but decided was not an option, until about 48 hours ago and more specifically until about 15 minutes ago. Here I was working in a pediatric unit on a hospital, okay with my job for the most part, loving the colleagues and the kids. Yet in the back of my head, I had always wondered, even from before I started, how it would be to work as a nurse out in the community, trying to help stop kids from needing to be admitted into the hospital. So it was almost unfair to the hospital job, so-to-speak, because it was already a competitor for other things that I wanted to, before I even started in the hospital job. Yet, it was true, I probably enjoyed the hospital job more than I expected, and so it really wasn’t so much of a desire to leave the job as much as just wanting to try out something else, soaring to unexpected heights! Back in high school when I volunteered with sick children and when I saw people hurting, from way back then, I wanted to be a nurse out-there in the community with people, though I had no idea what that even meant. I’m certainly a bit of dreamer, an ideas-former, always popping with some new thought in my head.

            And so this school nurse job had just opened up, and if I was going to go for it, it would have to be quick because it was starting up soon and I’d have to leave my other job soon. Long story short, I deliberated for several days, praying often, dialoguing with my husband until finally, I said yes, “I’ll take the job and be a school nurse” (ahhhh!!! I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m excited!!!

            I relate this story not so much because I got a new job or because of the way God allowed events to happen, but more because it is a predominantly worldly event in the sense that it relates to a job, and to making earthly money, and to my sphere of influence in the secular world. Yet throughout it all, and through the other aspects of my life, I believe that God uses examples of earthly change to continue to render sanctifying heart change in me. 

            That time of job change was a rather “full” time of life. I was busy in my other job, involved in two small groups at church, spending time with friends, loving and adjusting to being newly married, helping to care for my husband who is undergoing health problems, and continuing to let God work through my Bible reading and prayer times.

            And so sometimes, it’s the ho-hum-drum times, where I’m in this routine (which I may add, that I quite enjoy!) and have something set, and even though there were some struggles with my husband’s health, I was still in a rather “settled” time and not overly battling something. And suddenly this job offer comes very quickly and overnight, I have a decision before me, which suddenly brings me to my knees before God, humbles me to talk through all kinds of scenarios with Derek and allows me to come before God’s Word, really having no idea what way He is going to lead me.

            And really this is how each and every day of my life should be led. Not knowing where I am going, except that God is leading, and that in the end, He will lead Home. Constantly coming before God. And yet sometimes, I need these little tangible reminders where my life is in limbo, and I don’t know where I am going. My husband continues to suffer intense headaches, and each day reminds me more and more to go before Christ and to lay down my most precious earthly friend, my husband, to the grace and watch-care of Christ. Would I still give Him to Christ in the same manner were he in perfect health? I do hope so, and by God’s grace, yes. But right now, this, even this, is serving to remind me that God is in control of all things.

            As we experience more changes that came out of the job (and from other things), such as insurance changes, financial changes, schedule changes, social network changes, it is tempting to want to somehow gripe about the changes. And yet, I thought that change was what I was thinking would be so exciting! And so it is. And in our difficulty times, most of all I’m reminded of Christ’s own suffering and His most encompassing comfort.

            I wouldn’t trade for the most stable life out there.  

It’s been awhile, as usual of late! It’s been a busy last few weeks. I was thinking a couple of months back about how regular and usual our life seemed. At the time there wasn’t much that was really hard and wasn’t much that was especially easy; it was in the middle. These last few weeks have brought quite a bit of change, though nothing extraordinarily crazy, more of a realization that we can never hold tightly onto this life, but only hold tightly to Christ.

Health has been a subject of late. Derek’s been suffering from an almost constant headache for going on eight weeks, now. It’s been a battle, for both of I think, mostly of patience, of fighting our own desire to know what’s going on and balancing that with complete trust that God is truly in control, that He truly ordains all things, and that He truly has the best plan we can ever imagine! We have both been joyful in the fact that we’ve been blessed with extra time to hang out together, that though he hasn’t been able to go work, he is still able to talk and laugh and be with people at times. We’ve rejoiced that it isn’t worse. We’ve been blessed that I have a job and that God continues to provide, even when we’re not entirely sure what that will look like. We’ve rejoiced that that his work has been very understanding.

Speaking of work, we also turned down a job that probably even a year ago, we would have thought could have been a dream job. It was for Derek to coach football at a university and be able to disciple guys. It sounded like an awesome position, and we deliberated quite a while. Yet, we were both amazed at how God had changed some desires in our hearts and how He led us to realize this was not the position for us. We let it go and didn’t feel disappointed, only excited that God was giving us peace for the situation.

My work has been an opportunity to trust God all the more. I am satisfied in it and usually excited to be there once I’m there. Yet there’s also been a pull to try something different and to perhaps change positions to a more preventative, health education position. I really don’t know where that will lead, but I’m excited to think about the possibilities and blessed by the fact that I have been at this job for three years, when many times I didn’t know if I’d make it that far! It’s been a huge growth time for me, and no matter what happens, I am grateful for all the people I’ve been privileged to know in it.

I met a refugee family a few weeks back who was new to the country and seeking to find work and yet struggling with lack of transportation, lack of money, lack of understanding of the culture, and a battle with sickness in the family. For some reason, this particular family from a Hindu background struck my heart, and I started praying for them. I spoke with them for quite a while and got to tell them that I was praying for them. I was completely unsure what I could actually do to help, but I explained that I believed in the power of prayer and that God is a big God. Their story again made me realize all I have to be thankful for and it impressed upon me the need to continually consider those around me.

I was telling a friend yesterday about how my prayer each and every morning and throughout the day is that God grants me sustenance to trust Him. And just because I prayed it yesterday, I still need that same prayer today. And tomorrow and the next day. What a joy that He hears all those prayers! Quickly, too, we are so appreciative of the many friends who have showered us in prayers and who have offered the gifts of support, prayer and love, which have meant the world to us.  =)

4/26/2009

I find that one of the easiest temptations to fall prey to is that which others cannot see. It is what you think in your mind and in your heart. It is one of the easiest things to fall into discouragement or complaints of the heart, even while not letting others around you know it. That I think is what makes it so deceitful at times, is that sometimes I don’t realize it either.

I think of being at work. It is busy and I’m running around, and at that procedure, and talking to this family member, and updating the doctors, and helping my colleague with a blood draw, and trying to work on staffing, and grabbing some more formula for a baby, and the list goes on and on. Suddenly, it’s 2pm and I’m thinking oh, it’s time for lunch let alone, oh, have you considered God today? In the midst of all the busyness, it is easy to grow discouraged. There’s too much to do; I can’t do it all; I can’t give you any better answers. I don’t want to have to poke this child again.

I think of being at home. My husband is at work; I’m at home on one of my days off. I’m busy running around, buying groceries, cooking meals, cleaning the house. Other times I’m more relaxed, reading, and catching up on sleep from work. It’s easy to think about the next stage, daydreaming about having children, or growing antsy with the “boring” part of life we’re in. I love my husband dearly; he is an amazing gift from God. In my head sometimes I’m thinking, come on, let’s get on to the next stage!

I think of trying to evangelize. I was privileged to share the gospel with a couple of colleagues this week. The one lady started the conversation and basically opened the way for me to relay that we are all sinful, but the good news is that Jesus Christ sent His Son, fully God and fully man to pay the punishment for us, if we would repent and believe. They both listened politely, even asking questions that allowed me to expand. Yet, in that time at least, it was only a polite listen, not a heart change. It seemed like it was a that’s-nice-for-you message but not one for me. And though I was so praising God for giving me boldness and His words, it was a little discouraging in terms of feeling like it hadn’t penetrated.

And yet, I’ve been encouraged this week by the first verse of Romans 8: “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”. We were set free! I have to remind myself of His promises over and over. It does not end in my deceitful mind, but in my heart that has been changed by the Living God. 

A few pictures...

1) Derek & I with a family friend from Rwanda

2 & 3) couple of views from the apartment

growing...sometimes

I’m trying to sort out a few of the many lessons I’ve been at least attempting to learn over the past month. I have tons of things to write about, but right now seem unable to come up with any stellar format or articulation. So, we’ll see what happens if I just start writing.

God has brought many changes into my life, some of which I expected and some that are completely new. He does that often, but sometimes it just stands out in its own way.

Some of these changes are more surface-type. There are things like waking up in the morning, seeing Derek next to me, and then realizing suddenly, “this is my husband!!! We are married! We live together! We are one flesh for the rest of our lives!!!”  He uses Listerine before he goes to bed every night. I used to think Listerine was a ridiculously unnecessary item, so how come I now gargle with Listerine every night before I go to bed?  I have only bought gas one time in the last 3 weeks. Why? Now I have a husband who often drives me around if we go somewhere together. I find that the food in the house dwindles a little quicker than before. 5 packed lunches a week for him, 3 packed lunches a week for me, way more breakfasts than ever before, dinners, lots of friends over to eat, etc., etc. Before if I couldn’t reach something on a high shelf, I had to go and grab a chair, or perhaps just jump. Now, I actually have the luxury to yell, “Derek, help me please!” and see if that urgent tone (whether it is actually for something urgent or not) brings him to help me grab the hammer off of the high shelf. See, clearly important things that I should be calling him for. He did buy me a ladder, nice guy, but I figure if he is around, I should probably have him help first, wouldn’t you say? How about the fact that my legal name is now Pamela Robinson?

It is a unique thing to share your life together with someone. In the past, I have lived with many people, but for the most part, major decisions were mine alone to make. I consulted others but ultimately, through God’s help, this was my decision to make. If it was time to move, I moved. If it was time to buy, I bought. If it was time to save, I saved. Now, there is the fact that it is ours. It is not simply my decision, or my goals, or my desires, but it is both of ours. Through this, I have definitely been challenged. Some things, like what’s for dinner tonight, where should we live, and how do we budget seem more naturally to flow together. Other things, like planning a schedule for the week, hanging out with friends that the other one doesn’t know as well, or considering his needs above my own, take a bit more discipline. I even desire to share those times, but find that if I am not consciously deciding to share those things with my husband, I will, by default, end up doing them on my own.

There is also the fact, that when I sin by acting selfishly, holding onto bitterness, speaking pridefully, or in the countless other ways we can sin, that it doesn’t just affect me, but can so easily affect him as well. I think we had heard this so many times before marriage, but it is definitely hard when I respond to something he says with a completely selfish and hardened response and then suddenly awaken to the fact that I have hurt him, this man that I love with all my heart. Whoa, pause for a moment.

Praise God that He teaches us through our trials and through our sins, that we are able to thank Him all the more for His grace and to realize more and more that every breath we take, every time we are to love and not hate, every time we can live out truth, every time we can give and care, it is because of Christ. And what a gift that is!  

I am grateful that for now we still live in the same community as we did before. It is a huge blessing to have our same friends around, to still have our old roomies come around (because we most certainly miss them!), to still have them be some of our closest friends. We are delighted for the fellowship from trusted friends from church, for married people who are pouring into us, for others who are walking beside us and supporting us. There were definitely a few moments when we first got married, where although I was so excited and loved being married, where I was hit with little pangs of missing being single, or of almost panicking thinking that I couldn’t do anything like I used to do. Truly things are and always will be different, but it doesn’t mean that we have “lost” who we used to be, or “lost” our friends from before.  

The times of fellowship with each other is something that we both love about being married. We are able to chat and consult each other about so many things, and for the first time, there are virtually no pretenses as to why something shouldn’t be said. We can laugh without boundaries needing to go up. Before we were married, it was definitely necessary to help guard each other’s hearts, in the chance that God would not have marriage for us.

It seems simplistic, but I think that God has been nailing into me that He is faithful to work as He has been in the past. He took care of me and has continually met my needs, often not as I thought, but still met them nonetheless. Even now, He is still God, is the Faithful One, is the Unchanging God. Sometimes it is as simple as today I am eating stir fry for lunch and yesterday I ate spaghetti, as compared to some days, where yesterday I was single and today I am married.  Everyday will find me experiencing changes. Some will most definitely push us until we are broken, but God is still present and living and there.